Dear 14 Year Old Me

I'm linking up to Chatting at the Sky today (because of my friend Thelma - she made me) to write a letter to my teenage self. This should be fun?

14 years old - Freshman

Dear 14 year old me,

There are several things I would like to share with you. Take this stuff to heart. I know a lot of this will be hard for you to accept, but please try.

First I want to talk about your confidence, or lack thereof. You've already spent far too many years wondering if your friends like you as much as you like them. They do. Stop being so afraid of what everyone thinks of you. Most people genuinely like you, not just your good friends. When you see that group of kids that you want to join, don't be afraid to go over to them. They are not secretly wishing that you would go away. There will be some people that won’t like you, most of which will be outside your control. Don’t lose sleep over it. No one can actually be liked by everyone they ever meet. Not only do most people like you, you will eventually be one of the more popular kids in school. You won’t know it, but you will be.

Stop overanalyzing what everyone says to you by trying to figure out what they really meant. Stop overanalyzing everything you do and say. It will be ok. People will like you for who you are, but that means you have to actually learn to let go and be yourself. Stop holding on so tightly to your every thought and action that you can’t be who God made you to be.

Freshman again - that's me on the far left with the BIG hair

You are sweet and nice. And no, that doesn’t make you boring and it doesn’t mean you have no personality.

You are smart, even though you have never thought so. Tests make your brain cramp up and you don’t have a photographic memory, but you are still a smart chick.

You are funny. Let yourself go a little, and more people will notice.

Stand up for yourself – for what you believe and what you want. You are worth it. Don't let your insecurities paralyze you.

And, believe it or not, you are beautiful. You might not be as skinny as many girls around you, but you are not fat at all. Your butt is not huge. And your face does not look like a boy’s, no matter how that short boy haircut made you feel as a preteen. (By the way, super short hair will always make you feel less pretty, and the volume in your hair will never work with the super short styles you try. Don’t go there again.)

Sophomore

You will have a great time in high school, but improving your self-image will make it even better and will serve you well for years to come. Enjoy every moment. Take advantage of living overseas in your beloved Taiwan. You won't go back nearly as much as you hope.

Start taking better care of your teeth (floss, for crying out loud). Try running (even though you truly don’t think you can). Step away from the perms (why did you ever think that was so awesome). And for goodness sakes, clean your dorm room!

Junior

Once you have taken the Myers-Briggs personality test multiple times as an adult and scored precisely dead center on the extrovert and introvert line every time, you will finally realize that you are not one over the other - you are both. Lots of things will fall into place in your brain at that point, like how you can be shy and quiet when first meeting people yet have them wondering why they ever thought you quiet after getting to know you. You are both energized and drained by being with people and being by yourself. That does not make you weird, it’s just who you are.

Senior

Boys. You will not seriously date any boys in high school. Take a deep breath. It will be ok. You will also not seriously date anyone in college. Trust me, it will be ok! In 1999 you will meet a great man that will challenge what you thought you wanted in a guy - in good ways. He won’t be ready to date you for a couple years, but trust me, he’s worth the wait. In 2002 you will start dating that great guy, and will marry him in a year’s time. He will make you laugh like no one else ever has and will love you fiercely. He will be incredibly good for you, giving you deep roots you didn't know you needed. The two of you will have a number of bumps in the road, but you will get through them together.

College. This is a toughie. College is going to throw you for a number of big loops. You will think you are prepared, and in many ways you are, but being independent isn’t enough. You're going to start feeling lonely and misunderstood. The reverse culture shock back to the States will last longer than you expect. You will think you are ready, so it will take you by surprise. Stay involved in things on campus, even when you feel like withdrawing. It will be hard to find a church where you feel you belong. Keep trying. Ask for help when you need it and accept help when offered. Stay true to who you are - sweet, funny, and kind.

Spend a little more time figuring out what you want to do with your life, in case you don’t find that job traveling the world. Ask more questions – about careers, resumes, and interviewing. Take more computer classes. Don’t let your one terrible experience with that professor that couldn’t teach discourage you.

Unfortunately, I can't steer you away from every challenge; you will need many of those trials to become who God wants you to be. There will be many difficult days ahead of you, but God will be there to walk you through each one.

Love and no-more-perms,
Your 37 year old self

Contentment: On Endurance

I was recently reminded about the difficulty of maintaining contentment while enduring trials.

Two years ago I was reading my bible while doing research for a devotional on spiritual deserts. Tears slowly dripped down my cheeks as I read...

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
~ Romans 5:3-5 (NLV)

Our life was full of stress and worry. Winter weather caused endless problems and the winter blues were hitting me hard. The economy caused my husband's job to grow ever more challenging, and our finances soon followed. I experienced a number of health issues that caused me stress.

I was pretty much hanging on by a thread. I was angry and uninterested in my life. My habit was to get home from work and just sit on my couch and wallow in a funk. I was not myself and there did not seem to be an end in sight.

So I cried as I read that trials develop endurance and thought, “I’ve had enough of endurance. Enough. I don’t know how much more I can take. Surely some day there will be a reprieve. Enough, God, enough!”

In my wiser moments, I could acknowledge that God had brought me joy in spite of – and even because of – my trials. I needed only to remember the past to see how God had used each problem.

Even when I'm armed with that knowledge, it can still be difficult to see past the junk that clutters and distracts me from God’s peace and contentment. Suffering tries its best to be a contentment stealer and it will succeed if I am not careful. Contentment is not an easy thing to attain and hold on to. It’s difficult and challenging. And being content doesn’t mean that life is perfect and problem free. Remember Paul, he had contentment in every situation - good and bad.

I notice in this passage in Romans that confident hope comes after trials, endurance, and character. This isn’t my favorite journey to take and I have experienced plenty of sorrow and failure, but it does have a purpose. Suffering does not have to be empty. It does not have to be in vain. If I endure, if I keep my focus on God and what he has done for me, I will not be disappointed.

Salvation allows us to have hope. Confident hope. A hope that does not disappoint. I’m not talking about a fleeting hope that focuses on the temporary, but about a hope found solely in God. Hope based on God’s love and sacrifice for us.

There is no room for discontent in that kind of hope!

I have a measure of contentment now that I did not have two years ago. My circumstances haven’t changed much since then, so what is different? The answer is a hard-fought change in my attitude with much prayer and correction from God. My ability to endure has grown. My character has matured. And most importantly, my relationship with God has deepened.

I can have confident hope while my husband’s job continues to be unstable year after year, and while dealing with long term infertility and the likelihood of being childless forever. Yes, I can have the confident hope of salvation in spite of all this (and more) because of God's love and mercy.

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This post is the 3rd in a series on contentment:
Part 1: The Secret of Contentment
Part 2: Contentment: On Failure and Hope

More and Less

I had to pull the car off the road for fear of crashing into a tree or running off the winding road. The tears were falling hard and fast, leaving hot red tracks down my face. I let the sobs come as I put my car in park, allowing the grief to just be for a moment.

Dear Lord, why won’t you take away this desire if you will not fulfill it? It isn’t a bad desire. It isn’t selfish. After all, you fulfill this for most people. Why won’t you let me be a mom?

After a few minutes, I got out of my car and opened the back door so I could reach the box of tissues. Blotting my wet face I prayed,

Please change my desire, Lord. I know you can do that. You can change the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). I can’t take this anymore. I’m so alone. None of my friends or family understand, and I don’t hear your voice. Where are you?

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Will you join me on Held to read the rest of this post? Oh, thank you!

The Donut Connection

Did you know that the devil knows what kind of donuts I like? He does.

One day, in the midst of a making other bad food choices instead of going to God with my issues, I went in search of a donut. I had heard via the office grapevine that there was a box of sweet donuts down the hall.

Did I need a donut? No.
Was I hungry? No.
Was I going to eat it for no good reason? Yes.

I walked down the hall and looked in the donut box. Behold!

The only thing left was a strawberry frosted donut! I ♥ strawberry frosted donuts. I snatched it up and took a bite, anticipating the tender sweetness. One more clue that I should not have eaten it – the donut was stale. As I was eating this stale donut, I wondered if it was all a set up.

Could the devil possibly know what kind of donut I would find irresistible? I would say this is proof that he does indeed. The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10a). He wants to break me down physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

How can I still be surprised to realize that the devil has been working hard to challenge my weight loss efforts? That should be a no brainer by now. I was made for more than this struggle with, and reliance on, food.

Jesus, on the other hand, came to give me a full life (John 10:10b). He wants to build me up with the amazing hope and power that comes from him alone (Ephesians 1:18-19).

There is a connection here that I need to be better at making. Tempting sugary donuts promise to fulfill me and the devil tells me that food can manage to do that on a level far above what is logical – even though it feels logical in the moment of extreme craving. Cravings that are a result of stress, sadness, boredom, and more. The connection I need to chase after, the one that is truly fulfilling, is a deeper and more meaningful relationship with God.

Today, instead of being the lies whispered to me when I am feeling defeated and worthless, I will believe what God tells me I am.

I am a daughter of the King (Romans 8:15).
I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17-18).
I am free (Romans 8:1-2).
I am holy (Ephesians 1:4, Colossians 1:22).