Contentment: On Endurance

I was recently reminded about the difficulty of maintaining contentment while enduring trials.

Two years ago I was reading my bible while doing research for a devotional on spiritual deserts. Tears slowly dripped down my cheeks as I read...

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
~ Romans 5:3-5 (NLV)

Our life was full of stress and worry. Winter weather caused endless problems and the winter blues were hitting me hard. The economy caused my husband's job to grow ever more challenging, and our finances soon followed. I experienced a number of health issues that caused me stress.

I was pretty much hanging on by a thread. I was angry and uninterested in my life. My habit was to get home from work and just sit on my couch and wallow in a funk. I was not myself and there did not seem to be an end in sight.

So I cried as I read that trials develop endurance and thought, “I’ve had enough of endurance. Enough. I don’t know how much more I can take. Surely some day there will be a reprieve. Enough, God, enough!”

In my wiser moments, I could acknowledge that God had brought me joy in spite of – and even because of – my trials. I needed only to remember the past to see how God had used each problem.

Even when I'm armed with that knowledge, it can still be difficult to see past the junk that clutters and distracts me from God’s peace and contentment. Suffering tries its best to be a contentment stealer and it will succeed if I am not careful. Contentment is not an easy thing to attain and hold on to. It’s difficult and challenging. And being content doesn’t mean that life is perfect and problem free. Remember Paul, he had contentment in every situation - good and bad.

I notice in this passage in Romans that confident hope comes after trials, endurance, and character. This isn’t my favorite journey to take and I have experienced plenty of sorrow and failure, but it does have a purpose. Suffering does not have to be empty. It does not have to be in vain. If I endure, if I keep my focus on God and what he has done for me, I will not be disappointed.

Salvation allows us to have hope. Confident hope. A hope that does not disappoint. I’m not talking about a fleeting hope that focuses on the temporary, but about a hope found solely in God. Hope based on God’s love and sacrifice for us.

There is no room for discontent in that kind of hope!

I have a measure of contentment now that I did not have two years ago. My circumstances haven’t changed much since then, so what is different? The answer is a hard-fought change in my attitude with much prayer and correction from God. My ability to endure has grown. My character has matured. And most importantly, my relationship with God has deepened.

I can have confident hope while my husband’s job continues to be unstable year after year, and while dealing with long term infertility and the likelihood of being childless forever. Yes, I can have the confident hope of salvation in spite of all this (and more) because of God's love and mercy.

_________________________________________
This post is the 3rd in a series on contentment:
Part 1: The Secret of Contentment
Part 2: Contentment: On Failure and Hope

Friday Five

1. Both Rusty and I had dentist appointments this week. Mine was for a new crown and Rusty's was for a tiny cavity. I would rather have had his appointment.

2. I have wanted a lable maker for years. I found one at Target last Saturday for $18! Yes! I'm so excited to label, well, everything! Hee hee. It will especially come in handy...

3. When I organize our new filing cabinet today. I hate filing, but I love organizing! And yes, there is a difference.

4. Project Runway All-stars started last week. Luckily, they replayed last week's episode tonight right before the new one. I love this show! :)

5. Last, but certainly not least, I have a sweet friend, Thelma, that is posting a series on her blog called The Gap about her journey (with her husband) through infertility to living joyfully as a complete family of two. It's amazing, just like her.

The End of Jealousy

My best friend’s mom was in liver failure. I watched as Laura flew back and forth from Maryland to Indiana time after time to be with her mom in the hospital. Day after day, week after week, Laura gave me updates on her mom’s progress. Better one day – and she would come home. Worse the next – and she would consider flying back. She took weeks off work and eventually arranged to work remotely.

Laura was also dealing with a challenging second pregnancy. I normally felt a sting of jealousy about a friend’s pregnancy. I tried to fight against the envy and resulting bitterness, but it was a constant challenge. This one situation was a catalyst of drastic change for me.

___________________________________
Will you join me on Held to read the rest of this post? Oh, thank you!

More and Less

I had to pull the car off the road for fear of crashing into a tree or running off the winding road. The tears were falling hard and fast, leaving hot red tracks down my face. I let the sobs come as I put my car in park, allowing the grief to just be for a moment.

Dear Lord, why won’t you take away this desire if you will not fulfill it? It isn’t a bad desire. It isn’t selfish. After all, you fulfill this for most people. Why won’t you let me be a mom?

After a few minutes, I got out of my car and opened the back door so I could reach the box of tissues. Blotting my wet face I prayed,

Please change my desire, Lord. I know you can do that. You can change the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). I can’t take this anymore. I’m so alone. None of my friends or family understand, and I don’t hear your voice. Where are you?

___________________________________

Will you join me on Held to read the rest of this post? Oh, thank you!

What question breaks your heart?

I think we all have at least one question that hurts to answer. For a single person it might be, “Are you married?” or “Are you dating anyone?” For someone unemployed the question may be, “Where do you work?”

For an infertile person the question is…

”Do you have children?”

Gulp. Don’t burst into tears, Rachel.

“No.”

There is a pause from the other person, as she wonders how to respond...

_________________________________________
Will you join me on Held today to read the rest?

Identity?

A few years ago I found myself asking the same question over and over again. Who am I if I am not, and never will be, a mother? My identity had gotten almost entirely wrapped up around my infertility. I was allowing it to rule.

God slowly showed me that I need to find my identity in him and in what he says about me. That began a beautiful journey of discovery that made me a much stronger and more self-assured woman.

My friend, Thelma, is writing a series on this at Held. Will you join us in this journey of discovering our identities in Christ?

Series Introduction: Lies and Truth

A Mother's Day Letter

Today can be difficult for many, including women longing for children. It is for this reason that I wrote a letter that is featured on Held today.

Grab your coffee, a few tissues, and a prayerful heart and head on over by clicking on the button below.





I also want to share a fabulous free resource with you. Holley Gerth has written a resource called When Mother's Day is Difficult and has it available on her blog to download.

Bust a Myth: I don't know what I’m talking about

So, here’s the thing, I am not a mom.
And I have never been pregnant.

Let’s say I hypothetically said something about motherhood/pregnancy to a friend that is a mom, and she responded in a caring informative way with something like, "Actually, that is not true of motherhood/pregnancy and here is why I say that…"

I would not answer her in a dismissive way, as though she has no idea what she is talking about. She is the one with mom experience, not me.

When I tell a girlfriend something about infertility, I expect her to take my word on it. I live the reality of infertility every day. I know what I’m talking about. Instead, I am often dismissed, as if my words have no value.

Women who are able to get pregnant are not experts on infertility/fertility simply because they were fortunate enough to get pregnant easily. I would love for people to realize that, given how long I’ve been trying to conceive, I really do know more on the subject.

The typical conversation goes something like this.

Friend: Well if you just relax, you'll get pregnant. Drink a glass of wine or something.

Me: Actually, infertility is a medical issue that results in the abnormal functioning of the reproductive system. It is not caused by stress.

Friend: Oh no, it’s totally true. After all, it worked for my brother's girlfriend's BFF's hair stylist. She tried for a long time and finally just relaxed and got pregnant - just like that!

Me: How long did she try?

Friend: Like 10 months! Sooooo long.

Me: So, she wasn’t actually infertile. Infertility is when you have tried for more than a year. Like me.

Friend: Oh, well, it will work for you. I just know it.

Me: [speechless]

In all fairness, I don’t think anyone really intends to make me feel dismissed. But their words leave me feeling…

Ignored.
Alone.
Forgotten.

No woman wants to feel overlooked by her loved ones. Infertility permeates nearly everything about our lives. It’s important that friends and family listen to what we say. We want to believe that what we say and feel matters.

If you are a mom, there is a lot more you can offer someone who is childless.

A listening ear.
An empathetic heart.
A comforting shoulder.

Will you reach out to an infertile woman this week?

_________________________________________
For more on this subject:
National Infertility Awareness Week
Bust a Myth - other entries
Infertility 101

Exciting new things

I have two great blogs to share with you today.
_______________________________________

1. As you may have already read, I am blessed to be part of a wonderful team at Hannah’s Prayer Ministries that is launching a new blog, Held, today. I am so excited!

I pray that this new ministry touches many hearts. We hope to bring community, comfort, friendship, growth, acceptance, and laughter to each person that reads. Will you join us?
_______________________________________

2. I am honored to say that my sweet friend, Jenni Saake, is featuring today me on her blog, Given Me A Thorn. Will you join us there to learn about contentment?

Friday Five

1.  I can’t start this week’s post without mentioning, however briefly, the tragedy still unfolding in Japan. I am heartbroken and can do little but pray. The Japanese are an amazing and resilient people. Will you join me in prayer for them?

2.  I have an exciting announcement! This week I joined the Board of Directors for Hannah’s Prayer Ministries. I am honored and excited to serve these amazing women.

3.  Speaking of Hannah’s Prayer, I want to tell you about an awesome opportunity for any woman struggling with infertility. We are planning a retreat in sunny Costa Mesa, CA, for June 24-26. This will be an amazing time of fellowship, understanding, fun, support, and healing. I went to a retreat two years ago and it was simply amazing. The theme this year is, What’s Your Story? Our speaker is Holley Gerth who is, among other thing, writer for DaySpring Cards and co-founder of (in)courage.

4.  I made the best Beef and Broccoli ever on Monday. Seriously. The beef was full of flavor and tender, the sauce was amazing, and the broccoli perfectly cooked. Stayed tuned for the recipe.

5.  My brain isn't functioning so well today. The last few days I have been working at a fast pace, my little brain working on overtime. But today? My brain is mush.

                                                                 

Feel free to join me in Friday Five!

If you do follow along, be sure to post a link in the comments.

Hope

My pastor talked some about hope today and it reminded me what God started teaching me last year.

It all started at a bible study on joy. At the end of the night, the leaders passed out bedazzled rocks with the word joy on them. They ran out of joy rocks right before me and I was handed a hope rock, of all things. I was angry at God. How could he give me a hope rock? I sat there staring at it, incredulous. Just after this I went to a retreat. While there a sweet friend talked about our hope in Christ and that is when it hit me – I was combining my hope in God with my hope to have children. This is something good and pleasing to God, but still I needed to separate the two things.

Ever since then I've been dealing with what hope is and isn't. Our hope in God has to do with his character; his overall plan that we can not see; his provision (no matter what it is); his promise to always be with us; his deep and unfailing love. This hope is not something light and easy...it's hard won; it's raw and gritty and real; it's rough around the edges from our fingers digging in with all our might; it's the belief that we can trust the path that God has us on to be the right one (even if it's not the one of our choosing).

It's hard to hope when it hurts so much, but I have learned that I was putting my hope in God to have something in return. I wanted it so badly that I could not see how I was mingling the two things together too much. Mingling our hopes is easy to do. In fact, it is much easier than recognizing that there are different kinds of hope. The hope for children is one, and the hope in Christ is another.

A friend on HP shared the following about the French words for hope:

French has two words for hope. The first is "espoir", as in I want/hope to have something.

And then there is "espérance", which my bilingual dictionary translates as "hope, expectation". There is no equivalent in English. But get this - here are translations of the definitions of the word from a monolingual French dictionary:

1.  Feeling of confidence in the future, enabling one to wait with confidence for the fulfillment of one's desires; hope; e.g. "to live in hope, the hope of a fine future"

2.  Person or thing which is the object of this expectation; e.g. "You are my only hope"

3.  Theological virtue through which the Christian adheres to God as the supreme purpose of Man in order to obtain divine grace and eternal union with God

Praying for renewed "espérance" in our Lord and His plans for our futures - remember Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future. (I just checked an on-line French Bible and of course it uses "espérance".)

What cool information, right? I love how that describes the two kinds of hope. Awesome.

Hope is one of my big words in life now. I have it written on rocks, screen savers, jewelry, ornaments, and more as a reminder. My hope is in Christ!

HP Connections

I recently saw a blog post at (In)Courage about forming deep connections online (http://www.incourage.me/2010/08/community-online.html). Boy, can I ever relate to that! There were a few things in particular that stood out to me and reminded me of Hannah's Prayer.

"They don't get my Masterfully cobbled together community. Where distance is meaningless, age is irrelevant, and a mutual longing for uncovering the future where faith, purpose, and passion intersect is ultimate. Where friendships are not marked by years of shared history, but by sharing authentically in the present."

Yes! I could not have said it better myself. I have beautiful friendships with women all over the world that understand me better than most of my in-real-life friends. HP is an amazing and loving collection of all sorts of women from all different cultures and walks of life that have come together to support and lift each other up. I am able to pour out my broken heart to all these women that let me know that I am not alone. I am understood. I am loved. I belong.

"But, for the record, real community happens online. Just like real community happens in life. And God is there, right in the middle of it, with a big smile."

I do believe that God smiles down on HP. I believe he laughs with us and holds us close as we weep. The HP community is full of comfort, understanding, love, support, and compassion. I don't know what I would do without them. ♥

Just...

Relax. That's a four letter word to an infertile girl. How can one know when one is at the perfect point of relaxation to help whatever ailment one is plagued by? Once said relaxation is achieved, how does one maintain it? How can someone else know how stressed vs. relaxed I am? And what does that have to do with anything anyway, like my reproductive system? I digress. The current issue of stress vs. relaxing isn't about my inability to procreate.

I saw my ENT this morning and he told me that I have cricopharyngeal dysfunction, which is basically a muscle in my throat having spasms or tightening up too much. He can't tell me why it started and he can't really tell me how to stop it. According to the ENT, it can go away spontaneously. He says that sometimes when people can finally know that they don't have cancer/tumors, they often finally relax and the problem slowly goes away. Here's hoping there is truth in that one, or I'll be off to more doctors. Come on throat, work with me!