And I have never been pregnant.
Let’s say I hypothetically said something about motherhood/pregnancy to a friend that is a mom, and she responded in a caring informative way with something like, "Actually, that is not true of motherhood/pregnancy and here is why I say that…"
I would not answer her in a dismissive way, as though she has no idea what she is talking about. She is the one with mom experience, not me.
When I tell a girlfriend something about infertility, I expect her to take my word on it. I live the reality of infertility every day. I know what I’m talking about. Instead, I am often dismissed, as if my words have no value.
Women who are able to get pregnant are not experts on infertility/fertility simply because they were fortunate enough to get pregnant easily. I would love for people to realize that, given how long I’ve been trying to conceive, I really do know more on the subject.
The typical conversation goes something like this.
Friend: Well if you just relax, you'll get pregnant. Drink a glass of wine or something.
Me: Actually, infertility is a medical issue that results in the abnormal functioning of the reproductive system. It is not caused by stress.
Friend: Oh no, it’s totally true. After all, it worked for my brother's girlfriend's BFF's hair stylist. She tried for a long time and finally just relaxed and got pregnant - just like that!
Me: How long did she try?
Friend: Like 10 months! Sooooo long.
Me: So, she wasn’t actually infertile. Infertility is when you have tried for more than a year. Like me.
Friend: Oh, well, it will work for you. I just know it.
Me: [speechless]
In all fairness, I don’t think anyone really intends to make me feel dismissed. But their words leave me feeling…
Ignored.
Alone.
Forgotten.
No woman wants to feel overlooked by her loved ones. Infertility permeates nearly everything about our lives. It’s important that friends and family listen to what we say. We want to believe that what we say and feel matters.
If you are a mom, there is a lot more you can offer someone who is childless.
A listening ear.
An empathetic heart.
A comforting shoulder.
Will you reach out to an infertile woman this week?
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For more on this subject:
National Infertility Awareness Week
Bust a Myth - other entries
Infertility 101
excellent post, found you on Resolve's site. I have the same problem. I busted the "just relax" myth.
ReplyDeleteloved it :)
ReplyDeleteWell done, Rachel!
ReplyDeleteI. loved. this. post.
ReplyDeleteWell done, my friend.
well said, Rachel. Thanks for expressing what I wish I could say!
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies. I'm glad it spoke to all of you. ♥
ReplyDeleteVery well said and thanks for stopping by my blog!
ReplyDeleteGreat post. This happens WAY MORE OFTEN than people think. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeletewell said Rachel x
ReplyDeleteThis happened to me a lot. Now that we are actually pregnant (after IVF & 5 years of "trying") They say things like "see I told you if you didn't worry about it so much..."
ReplyDeleteBut, anyhow well said. Honestly I don't that they are intentionally trying to hurt you by say asinine things like that, but it stings none the less...
I feel dismissed like this far too often. GREAT myth to bust!!
ReplyDeleteOh great post! Here from NIAW and saw your post. Loved it!
ReplyDelete