Heart Walls

I have walls around my heart. I build them up for protection from the outside world - to keep people from being able to hurt me as easily.

It is not that I shouldn’t protect myself from people and situations that are bad for me, but that my heart walls keep people from getting close to me and me to them.

My fragile and broken heart has so many questions…and excuses:

• How many times have I been hurt by comments from people that are as selfish as they are well meaning? Excuse.
• How many times have I felt diminished by words from those with no ability to understand the challenges that I face? Excuse.
• How many times will I be further crushed and flattened by others dismissing my suffering as trivial - something to be gotten over easily and quickly? Excuse.
• How many times must I withstand being ridiculed for what I cannot control? For what is not my fault? Excuse.

I don’t have any answers to my questions and the questions remain, buried deep in my heart, causing fear. Fear of rejection, misunderstanding, and further pain.

Despite the fear, I need to let go of the excuses and begin tearing the walls down. That is very scary prospect considering how often I have been hurt when I open up my heart. On the other hand, it is hard to connect with people when you are so carefully guarded. What a catch -22.

The point for me is that if I want to make further connections at church (and I do), I will need to face this fear. I need to pray that God will bring about the right situations with the right people and then give me the courage to open up.

I’ve been listening to the song below for a few weeks, but it really hit home as I began to write this post.

Healing Begins

Tenth Avenue North

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us